Unnecessary Obstacles to Marriage

 

Sheikh Salman al-Oadah

 

Young women have many hopes and dreams. Among the most important of these dreams focus upon their future husbands, the men who are going to be their partners through the long and arduous journey of life. Some girls want their husbands to be young and handsome. Others prefer men who are gentle and romantic. Still others want their husbands to be rich or famous.

These dreams are sometimes beset by obstacles that prevent the young woman from ever realizing them, obstacles to marriage that are uncalled for and unnecessary. Among the most important of these are the following.

1. Studies: This can take many years, depending on the program of study undertaken and the desired degree goals. In truth, a woman's marriage is not incompatible with her furthering her studies. What it needs is for there to be an understanding from the onset between the husband and wife about the matter of her studies.

I see this as part of facing up to our changing circumstances. There are many destructive influences that beset our young men and women today. The mass media has an overwhelming effect. The world is more open. Early marriage has become more of a necessity for our young men and women than it has ever been before. It needs to be given priority. A young woman should give the matter her attention, as should her parents.

2. The father: A father may turn away prospective suitors for his daughters for many reasons. These reasons might be financial or cultural. Sometimes the father insists that his daughter marry one of her cousins or no one else.

Consider the following examples:

- A woman over thirty years of age complains that her father has a distorted sense of his own greatness and sees himself as a man of considerable importance and status. He refuses to marry his daughter to anyone except a man who satisfies his standards. Such a man will never come.

- A university graduate who works and is obliged to give her monthly salary over to her father in full is prevented by her father from ever marrying for reasons that are obvious.

A father prohibiting his daughter from marriage is a terrible crime that makes the skin crawl. Even if the father's faith is weak and he is not God-fearing, we would think that he would have some humanity or mercy in his heart. We find more mercy exhibited by wild animals for their children. While this father sleeps comfortably in his room with his wife at his side, his grown daughters are tossing and turning restlessly in their beds, because they are being denied the greatest of physical blessings that Allah has placed within us the drive to seek out.

Allah is speaking to every believer when He says: “Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believes in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and purer. Allah knows and you know not.” [ Sûrah al-Baqarah : 232]

So where are those who believe in Allah and the Last Day?

Preventing one's daughters from marrying suitable men with whom they are pleased is a serious form of oppression. Friends and relatives need to intervene in order to help those women and free them from their confinement. If this does not happen, then the courts need to intervene. Social and governmental agencies should be mobilized to protect women who are being prevented from marriage and confront the transgression of those fathers.

It is true that most fathers are merciful and feel compassion for their daughters and it is allowed for them to prevent their daughters from marrying certain suitors when they have a valid reason to do so. However, there are situations – though they may be few in number, they are seriously painful for the women involved – where outside intervention is needed. In many cases, the daughter will be unable to speak up in her own defense or voice a complaint. This is because she fears destroying her relationship with her father or fears that her reputation will be tarnished. She might not have any opportunity to leave her from home in the first place or to speak to anyone who can air her grievances on her behalf. In this way she can spend her whole life and waste her youth in bitter waiting.

3. The man: The young man who wishes to get married wants a beautiful wife, and beauty to him is what his eyes have grown accustomed to seeing in the movies and on television. He wants her to be fair of complexion, tall, and young. He wants her to have the beauty of a fashion model, the piety of the Prophet's Companions, and the wealth of a tycoon, without him having to exert any effort on his part. He needs to come down to Earth.

This may be one of the negative effects of constantly watching movies and programs that cause our young people to live in a fantasy world that has no connection whatsoever with reality. Even if a young man lowers his unrealistic standards, he remains in distress and this puts a strain on his future relationship with his wife.

Allah tells us: “O ye who believe! Follow not Satan's footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong.” [ Sûrah al-Nûr : 21]

4. Exuberant costs: Heavy expenditures for marriage as well as numerous and excessive material demands place a great burden upon the shoulders of young men, forcing them to turn away from the prospect of marriage. In Saudi Arabia , many tribal leaders have taken the judicious initiative to place an upper limit on marital expenses, determining a limit that is according to custom and that is reasonable. It is an initiative that deserves both our support and praise.

Al-Watan Newspaper has recently said that there are over 1.5 million spinsters in Saudi Arabia . Perhaps these statistics are not wholly accurate; however they do indicate that there is a genuine problem.

The postponement of marriage is a hindrance that everyone must work together to solve. It has to be addressed publicly by scholars, orators, intellectuals, public figures, and reformers. The means to marriage need to be simplified. Institutions need to be established to facilitate marriages materially, socially, and on a personal level.

Some Advice on the Treatment of Children

 

| Atâ `Utwah|

 

We have in the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) many good examples to study and follow in many aspects of our lives. The longer we study the various aspects of his life, the more we will reap the benefits. We will learn what will benefit ourselves today as well as those who will come after us in the future. Allah says: “Indeed, you have in Allah’s Messenger the best example of conduct for those who place their hopes in Allah and the Last Day.”



We can benefit from the Prophet’s example when it comes to raising our children. If we emulate our Prophet (peace be upon him) in the way he cared for children, we will, by Allah’s grace, be successful in raising our own.



We must respect children as people. Children need respect. Unfortunately, parents often fail to show it to them. The Prophet (peace be upon him) always showed the upcoming generation that he respected them and held them in high esteem. Sa`d b. Mâlik was a small child when the Battle of Uhud took place. His father died in that battle. The Prophet (peace be upon him) approached him and said: “Sa`d b. Mâlik?” When the boy acknowledged who he was, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “May Allah bestow His blessings upon you on the death of your father.”



We can see how the Prophet (peace be upon him) treated him as he would treat an adult. He offered him the condolences that would be given to a full grown man. He did not patronize him. He informed him of what happened immediately.



We need to give more credit to the minds of our children. We should not underestimate their intelligence. We must hold them in esteem and respect their feelings and teach them in turn to have respect for others. This allows the children to develop intellectually and socially.



It is critical that we make our children accustomed to handling responsibility. Too many of us today, adults as well as children, have a tendency to shirk our responsibilities and place our burdens on others.



To prevent this, those of us who raise children must first of all help them to think positively about themselves. This will make it easier for them to handle responsibility as they get older. The Prophet (peace be upon him) took great pains to develop the character of the young people around him. Once, when the Prophet (peace be upon him) was seated, he was offered something to drink. He took it and drank from it. Seated to his right was a young boy and to his left were a number of elderly men. Since service was traditionally to the right, he turned to the boy and said: “Will you permit me to offer the drink to them first?” [Sahîh Muslim]



This is how a child learns manners. It is also how he develops strength of personality and a keener intellect instead of a negative outlook and poor self opinion.



We must be just in our dealings with our children. Justice is of utmost importance to provide the child with a sense of stability. It prevents children from being jealous of one another and prevents undesirable competition between them for favor. Injustice can occur in such minor matters as kissing one child more than another or smiling at him more or giving him preference in food and clothing.



Once Bashîr gave his son al-Nu`mân a gift. He went to the Prophet (peace be upon him) so that the Prophet (peace be upon him) could be a witness to it. The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked him: “O Bashîr, do you have any other children besides him?” When Bashîr answered that he had, the Prophet (peace be upon him) asked: “Did you give each of them a similar gift?” To this Bashîr answered in the negative. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Then do not ask me to be a witness for you. I will not bear witness to an injustice.” [Sahîh Muslim]



We must be cordial and sometimes even playful with our children. They need merriment and play in their life within the confines of what is Islamically lawful. We should not go overboard with our play and affection so that the children become dependent upon coddling. However, we must not be so reserved as to deny the children their very natural need for affection and play. Denial of this need makes children introverted and fearful of others.



`Â’ishah relates that when she was with the Prophet (peace be upon him) as a child, she used to play with other girls who came to her. When the Prophet (peace be upon him) entered, they used to withdraw. However, he would send them back to me to play with me some more.”



Children should not be denied the right to play and have fun. Play invigorates and enlivens children as long as it is allowed within reasonable limits. It allows their personalities to form properly and encourages their emotional development.



We must strive to bring up our children for the pleasure of Allah and not just so our child can be better than others. We must encourage good behavior in our children whenever they exhibit it. Merely lecturing them is not the most effective approach. What is required is to speak to them a good word and then to be a living example for them.



This fact was fully understood by the Prophet’s Companions. One Companion relates that another Companion Wâ’il b. Mas`ûd, used to preach to them once every Thursday. A man said to him that they wish he would speak to them every day. Wâ’il replied: “I only refrain from doing so because I would hate to bore you. I give you reminders the way that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to do so with us in moderation so that we would not grow weary.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]



I will conclude with the following advice given to the caliph Mu`âwiyah by one of his advisors: Once Mu`âwiyah became angry with his son Yazîd, so he shunned him. Al-Ahnaf observed, so he said to him: “O Commander of the Faithful, our children are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars who support us. We are to them as the sky overhead and the ground below their feet. If they grow angry, placate them and if they ask of you, give them. Do not be an obstacle in their lives so they loathe your existence and wish for your demise.”

Cutting off ties with a non-Muslim sister

 

I entered Islaam five years ago, and my family find it hard to accept. My
sister cut off ties with me for a year, then she got in touch and asked me
to forgive her, which I did. But she has not stopped insulting my Islaam
and attacking me at every chance she gets. I told her several times that
she is hurting me, but she didn’t stop. After years of suffering, I sent her
a letter telling me to contact me only if her attitude changed, otherwise,
not to get in touch. Did I do the right thing?

Praise be to Allaah.



Because of the insults that you suffered, there is nothing wrong with what you did, in
sha Allaah. This would not be considered as "breaking family ties", and it may give
her the opportunity to think about what she has done.



Al-‘Allaamah al’Safaareeni, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his book Ghidhaa’
al-Albaab: "Ibn Abi Hamzah said: ‘The ties of kinship may be by money, by helping at
times of need, by warding off harm, by meeting them with a smiling face, and by
praying for them. The general meaning is that one helps them in good ways as much
as possible and helps them to resist or fight evil as much as possible. This is the case
if one’s relatives are righteous, but if they are kaafirs or are wrongdoers, then cutting
off ties with them for the sake of Allaah is how one maintains the tie, on the condition
that one tries to warn them, and tells them that the reason for cutting the ties is
because of their deviation from the truth. At the same time, the connection of making
du’aa’ for them should remain, and you should pray for them in their absence that
Allaah will guide them to the Right Path. (al-Tuhfah: Ghidha’ al-Albaab, 1/356).



And Allaah knows best.

Advice: Separating women from non-mahram* men in family visits

 

What advice can you give Muslim families in regards to family
visits and gatherings?

People are civil and sociable by nature: they must have friends, and
friendship involves visiting one another.



When visits are between families, we must pay attention to an important
matter which will close the door to evil, by not allowing mixing between the
sexes. One of the indications that mixing is haraam is the aayah
(interpretation of the meaning): "… And when you ask (the Prophet's
wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is
purer for your hearts and for their hearts…" [al-Ahzaab 33:53]



If we examine the evil results of mixing in family gatherings, we will find
many examples of corruption and immorality, for example:

 

In most cases, women's hijaab in mixed gatherings is either
non-existant or not correct. These women display the beauty which
Allaah has forbidden them to show to anyone before whom they is
not allowed to uncover, as it says in the aayah (interpretation of the
meaning): "… and not to reveal their adornment …" [al-Noor 24:31]
It even happens that women who adorn themselves in mixed
gatherings never adorn themselves for their husbands.

When men see women in mixed gatherings, this destroys their
religious commitment and morals, and provokes forbidden desires.

Terrible arguments and marital separations may result, when one
looks at or winks at the wife of another, or they laugh and joke
together. When the couple returns home, the settling of accounts
begins:

Man: "Why did you laugh at so-and-so's words, when he never said
anything funny?

Woman: "And why did you wink at so-and-so?"

Man: "When he speaks you understand him readily, but when I speak
you never understand me!"

So the exchange of accusations goes on, until it ends in hatred or
even divorce, in some cases.

Some men and women may begin to regret their luck in marriage,
when they begin to compare their spouses with those of their friends.
A man may say to himself, "So-and-so joins in discussions and is
well-educated, but my wife is ignorant and is not educated at all…"
And a woman may say to herself, "So-and-so is so lucky, her
husband is so eloquent and smart, and my husband is so boring and
speaks without thinking…" This destroys the marriage relationship
and leads to bad treatment on the part of both spouses.

Some may show off to others by making false claims about what they
do not have, so that one man may issue instructions to his wife in
front of other men so that he can pretend to have a strong personality,
when at home he is like a tame pussy-cat. A woman may borrow gold
so that others in the gathering may think she owns so much, but the
Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"The one who claims to have what he does not own is as it were
wearing a garment of falsehood." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 9/317)

These mixed night-time gatherings are often a waste of time, filled
with idle gossip and other sins of the tongue, whilst small children are
left at home (so that the gathering will not be spoiled by their crying!)

These night-time gatherings may become even worse and involve
other major sins, such as drinking and gambling, especially among the
so-called upper class. Another of the major sins that may result is the
desire to follow the kuffaar and be like them in dress and other habits
and customs. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "Whoever imitates a people is one of
them." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 2/50; see also Saheeh al-Jaami',
2828)

In family gatherings, women should be separated from non-mahram men,
and the gatherings should serve some useful purpose, such as
remembrance of Allaah (dhikr), seeking beneficial knowledge or discussing
social problems or things that can benefit the family in this life. We ask
Allaah to keep us safe and healthy. May Allaah bless our Prophet
Muhammad.



* Translator's note: "mahram" refers to a blood-relative to whom marriage
is permanently forbidden, such as a woman's father, brother, son, uncle,
etc.

Dealing with hurtful relatives

 

This is regarding family matters and disputes.



I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble for my
family. His wife and children have even went to the limits of
taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing witness that she
physically assaulted them and threatened to kill them. There
are numerous things they do, but, my uncle after a few months
fights with his children and comes back and asks my mother
for forgiveness. She forgives him, and he starts pretending he
is a maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and
wife who hurt my mother numerously.



Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him anymore.
She claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely there are
limitations. Anyway, is it wrong to ask my mother, not to
associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me to continue to
refuse to have anything to do with him or his family. I DO
NOT wish to forget or forgive, especially, when there is no
change in his behavior.



Any Advice is appreciated.

Praise be to Allaah.



If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice, then it is permissible
for you to respond in like to his unkind words, as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): "And if you punish (your enemy), then
punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted…" [al-Nahl
16:126].

But if you bear it with patience, that will be better for you, as Allaah says at
the end of the same aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "… But if you
endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen (the patient ones)."
[al-Nahl 16:126]



If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him well, if he treats you
badly, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): "The good deed and
the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better,
then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become)
as though he was a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]



The words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal" mean that
there is a huge difference between the two. "Repel (the evil) with one which
is better," means that when someone treats you badly, answer back with
something better, as 'Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "There
is no better punishment for the person who sinned by being bad to you,
than your obeying Allaah by being good to him in return." (Tafseer Ibn
Katheer).



A man came to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to
keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me
badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you
are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will
continue to have support from Allaah against them so long as you continue
doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)



Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and forgiving. Follow your
mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this man has room to
regret and retract his bad actions. Allaah tells us (interpetation of the
meaning): " … whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is
due from Allaah…" [al-Shoora 42:40]



However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the
evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for
example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can
be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on.
The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will
cause problems.

We ask Allaah to guide us all, to help us not to bear any grudges towards
anyone, and to treat one another properly. May Allaah bless our Prophet
Muhammad.

Their aunt wants to corrupt them; should they cut off ties with her?

 

I have a problem with my aunt. She hurts our family and especially my mother, her sisters. She refuses to get married (she is almost 40), she lives on her own and goes to haram parties and weddings, she dresses unislamically and behaves in an unislamic manner and mixes with non-mahram men. She is suspicious of my mother and does bad things to my mother or us children. She is infected with Hepatitis and she tries to give me her disease on purpose by eating from my food or drinking from my cup or using my lip gloss when I don't know about it. She tells me she doesn't like my mother but pretends to be happy when my mother is around. She tries to make me go to the haram places she goes when I visit her. She cut off ties from the whole family and said that she hates everyone except us children but she treats us bad. She is always working for the needs of other women who backbite and look down on her and she does more for them than her own sisters and then she makes us kids work on things for those women. Me and my mother don't know what to do?? We can't cut off relations but the more we are around her the more my eemaan goes down and the more she hurts us. What should we do?.

Praise be to Allaah.

The command to uphold the ties of kinship is one of the first
commands that were revealed in Islam. It is indicated in a number of proven
saheeh ahaadeeth, such as the following: 

(a)

The story of how ‘Umar ibn ‘Absah became Muslim. He asked the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): With what were you
sent? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He has sent
me to uphold the ties of kinship, to break the idols and to proclaim the
Oneness of Allaah, not associating anything with Him.” Narrated by Muslim
(832). 

(b)

The story of Abu Sufyaan and Heraclius when he sent for him
and said: What does he – meaning the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) – enjoin upon you? He said: He enjoins us to pray, give
charity, be chaste and uphold family ties.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7) and
Muslim (1773). 

In many verses Allaah warns us against severing the ties of
kinship, and states that there will be numerous punishments for the one who
does so, which includes incurring the curse of Allaah and a bad end. Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its
ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e.
they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and
work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e. they will be far away
from Allaah’s Mercy), and for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e. Hell)”

[al-Ra’d 13:25] 

Some relatives may cause the one who upholds ties with them
to fall into sin, especially if he is unable to change the evil that they
are doing.  They may insist – for example – on listening to music and mixing
and indulging in swearing, mocking and backbiting. Such people have an
effect on their visitors and the one who seeks to uphold ties with them. The
Muslim has to advise his relatives as much as he is able to. They are more
entitled to this advice than others, but only if that will benefit them,
whether he is certain of that or thinks it most likely. But if he sees that
they are persisting in sin and especially major sins, and that is affecting
his faith and religious commitment, then it is sufficient for him to uphold
ties with them in the minimum fashion, so that he will not be severing the
ties of kinship. So instead of visiting them, he can just call them on the
phone, and if he visits them he does not have to stay for long, and so on. 

But this should after trying his best to advise them and
exhort them and bring them back to the right way, as well as turning to
Allaah in du’aa’, asking Him to guide them to the straight path. 

And Allaah knows best.

Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it

 

I have sisters who are married and my mother is married to someone other than my father, because my father is deceased. I work in the army and I want to go and see them but my circumstances do not permit it. I am also married and if I go there and leave my family, I would have to stay there for at least three days, during which time I would be worrying about my wife and children. Am I severing the ties of kinship, given that I have not been in touch with them for ten months?.

Praise be to Allaah.
 

 

Upholding the ties of
kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it, starting
with the closest and then the next closest. There is a great deal of
goodness in it and it serves many interests. Severing the ties of kinship
is a major sin, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Would you then, if
you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties
of kinship?

23. Such are they whom
Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight”

[Muhammad 47:22] 

And the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one who severs the
ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh. 

When a man asked him, “O
Messenger of Allaah, whom should I honour?” He said: “Your mother.” He said:
“Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your
mother.” He said: “Then whom?” The fourth time he said: “Your father, then
the next closest and the next closest.” Also narrated by Muslim. 

In al-Saheeh it is
narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “Whoever would like his provision to be increased and his lifespan to
be extended, let him uphold the ties of kinship.” 

There are many ahaadeeth
on this topic. What you have to do is to uphold the ties of kinship to the
extent that you are able to, by visiting them if possible, or by writing or
phoning. It is also prescribed for you to uphold kinship ties financially
too, if the relative is poor. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“So keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him as much as you
can”

[al-Taghaabun 64:16] 

“Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope”

[al-Baqarah 2:286] 

And the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When I command you to do something, do as much of it as you can.” Saheeh – agreed upon. 

May Allaah help us all to do that which pleases Him.