Dealing with hurtful relatives

 

This is regarding family matters and disputes.



I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble for my
family. His wife and children have even went to the limits of
taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing witness that she
physically assaulted them and threatened to kill them. There
are numerous things they do, but, my uncle after a few months
fights with his children and comes back and asks my mother
for forgiveness. She forgives him, and he starts pretending he
is a maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and
wife who hurt my mother numerously.



Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him anymore.
She claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely there are
limitations. Anyway, is it wrong to ask my mother, not to
associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me to continue to
refuse to have anything to do with him or his family. I DO
NOT wish to forget or forgive, especially, when there is no
change in his behavior.



Any Advice is appreciated.

Praise be to Allaah.



If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice, then it is permissible
for you to respond in like to his unkind words, as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): "And if you punish (your enemy), then
punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted…" [al-Nahl
16:126].

But if you bear it with patience, that will be better for you, as Allaah says at
the end of the same aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "… But if you
endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen (the patient ones)."
[al-Nahl 16:126]



If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him well, if he treats you
badly, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): "The good deed and
the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better,
then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become)
as though he was a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]



The words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal" mean that
there is a huge difference between the two. "Repel (the evil) with one which
is better," means that when someone treats you badly, answer back with
something better, as 'Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "There
is no better punishment for the person who sinned by being bad to you,
than your obeying Allaah by being good to him in return." (Tafseer Ibn
Katheer).



A man came to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to
keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me
badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you
are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will
continue to have support from Allaah against them so long as you continue
doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)



Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and forgiving. Follow your
mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this man has room to
regret and retract his bad actions. Allaah tells us (interpetation of the
meaning): " … whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is
due from Allaah…" [al-Shoora 42:40]



However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the
evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for
example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can
be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on.
The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will
cause problems.

We ask Allaah to guide us all, to help us not to bear any grudges towards
anyone, and to treat one another properly. May Allaah bless our Prophet
Muhammad.