Respect For Our Daughters

 

Sheikh Salman al-Oadah



A person's need to feel import is something perfectly natural, something
instilled in human nature. It may well be that this feeling is behind many of
humanity's greatest inventions, achievements, and noble acts.



This is why Allah mentions to us that Abraham (peace be upon him) said:
“And ordain for me a goodly mention among posterity.” [ Sûrah
al-Shu`arā' : 84]



Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “If a son of Adam dies, his good
works come to an end except for three: charity that keeps providing benefit,
knowledge that people still benefit from, and a pious child who supplicates for
him.”



This is an indication that people like to feel that they are important, and feel
that they will be valued and that their works will endure even after they die.
This is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) guided us to continuous charity,
enduring beneficial knowledge, and a pious son or daughter who prays on our
behalf.



Those who belittle and deride others, and who defame their characters, do not
profit themselves anything but pain and bitterness. It makes no difference
whether they are officials, educators, parents, or anyone else.



Our society is in need of programs to teach people this basic truth. All too
many people have inherited from their cultures – and this is a fact for many
societies throughout the world of which some are Islamic societies – contempt
for women, looking upon the woman her as if she is a creation of a lesser
degree, a second class citizen – and in some cases it seems that they treat her
more as if the phrase “tenth class” would be more appropriate.



Up to today, some of us are prisoners to this base mindset, as if they had never
heard the guidance of the Prophet (peace be upon him) or benefited from the
revelation sent down to us by Allah. Such people are still toiling under the
legacy of the pre-Islamic times of ignorance, in spite of the fact that in our
present age, many banners are being raised, like those of human rights, women's
rights, social justice, and equality. It is so bad that some of us look upon
these terms and concepts with bewilderment and suspicion.



This is in spite of the fact that the guarantee of human rights that is at the
core of our faith is loftier and nobler than anything set down in any
declaration of human rights anywhere in the world. This is as true today as it
has been in the past.



The problem here with respect to the issue of women – and to that of the young
woman in particular – is the result of the coming together with the ideas of the
new ignorance with those of the days of ignorance of old.



First of all, people come with all sorts of biases against women, like the
notion that women are inherently treacherous. Then you have the fact that in
some cultures, the birth of a daughter is received with ignominy and considered
a bad omen.



Thirdly, women are still viewed in some circles as not being entitled to have
their own opinions or to make their own decisions. There is a saying: “Consult
with them but do not heed what they say.” Some people might even have gotten the
notion in their heads that this blatant lie is a saying of our Prophet (peace be
upon him)!



Then there is the idea that a woman's place is in the kitchen. Here we have
another dubious saying: “Were a woman to reach Mars, she would still wind up in
the kitchen.”



These concepts, though prevalent, are from the pagan Arab culture of the times
of ignorance. These notions are alien to Islam. They are not from the teachings
of our Prophet (peace be upon him).



Allah says: “So their Lord accepted their prayer: That
I will not waste the work of a worker among you, whether male or female, the one
of you being from the other.” [ Sûrah Âl `Imrân : 195]



Allah also says: “Lo! men who surrender unto Allah,
and women who surrender, and men who believe and women who believe, and men who
obey and women who obey, and men who speak the truth and women who speak the
truth, and men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere, and men
who are humble and women who are humble, and men who give alms and women who
give alms, and men who fast and women who fast, and men who guard their modesty
and women who guard (their modesty), and men who remember Allah much and women
who remember - Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward.”
[ Sûrah al-Ahzâb : 35]



We can see in these verses how Allah mentions women alongside men, on parity
with one another.



Many of our daughters feel cheated and resentful on account of the unequal
treatment given to them in comparison with their brothers. When a girl's brother
brings home passing marks from school, everyone gets happy he is congratulated,
and rewarded with gifts, even if his grades were not all that good. When she
comes home with her diploma after having attained the highest academic
distinctions, she is told: “That is not important…what good is it to you?”
Things like this are commonplace.



Because of such things, the climate becomes conducive to the call of
westernization, which is seen by many young women as a source of salvation from
the oppression of the societies in which they live. I listened to a speech given
in Egypt by an activist for women's liberation. She spoke of such things. Her
stance was a reaction to customs and circumstances that exist in her society
which have nothing to do with Islam, but which were really the legacy of the
former times of ignorance.



A woman, just like a man, needs to have her importance acknowledged, her
grievances heard, and her aspirations fulfilled. If these needs are not met for
her with her family and at school, she is going to find ways to fulfill them
elsewhere. The media today is giving her all sorts of lessons in this area.



Psychology teaches us that, though you are not necessary going to convince
others or change their minds by listening to them, you are going to endear them
to you and make them more sympathetic. One of the most notable qualities of
great and influential people is their ability to listen to others and to show
them proper regard.



A delegation of Mecca 's polytheists once came to the Prophet (peace be upon
him) to object to him. They spoke at length until they had nothing more to say.
Only then did the Prophet (peace be upon him) spoke up and ask: “Are you done?”
When they told him that they were, he began reciting to them some words from the
Qur'ân.



The person who speaks to you may feel in his heart that he has been wronged or
that he has been disenfranchised. He may have a point of view that he is
passionate about and that he wishes to communicate to you. You have to afford
him a proper outlet to air his grievances. If you do not give him a proper
hearing, his grievances will transform into a deluge or bring about within him
destructive psychological problems.



Experience shows us that major problems that face us as individuals, families,
and nations, started off as small problems that were not properly acknowledged
and addressed. They grew and until they reached critical mass and exploded.
Affording due recognition is a safety valve for both the individual and society.
When some problem arises that starts to exert pressure, many people forget that
it is possible to contain it, and instead toss more fuel upon the fire.



Listening to others effectively demands mastery of a number of skills, which we
can enumerate as follows:



The first of these skills is to be able to summarize the ideas that were brought
up in the course of the conversation. After hearing what the other party had to
say and speaking your own mind, you are able to summarize the matter, accurately
stating the other person's point of view and discussing its implications as well
as your arguments. This shows the other person that you hold what he says to be
important and that you properly understood what he had to say. In this way, you
assure him, that you are not putting words into his mouth or misunderstanding
his ideas. He knows that you were paying attention to him.



Too often, we do not give others the chance to speak. When they do speak, we are
either incapable of understanding their point of view or of convincing them that
we have indeed understood them.



The second skill that we need to master is to be able to enter into the
world-view of those to whom we listen and with whom we speak. When we listen to
two people having a discussion, we can tell whether their relationship is
strained or whether there is friendship and cordiality between them. This comes
through to us in their body language, how they face each other, make eye
contact, and in their hand gestures.



A mother is able to establish a good relationship with her daughter by placing
herself on her daughter's level and by expressing herself with heart and with
her body language so that the daughter feels safe and trusting. The mother is
able to respond to her daughter's feelings, sensitivities, and appreciate her
circumstances. In this way, it is possible for the daughter to become confident
and overcome her shyness so that she can speak openly and frankly and divulge
her concerns. This, however, will only be if she sees that what she has to say
is taken seriously.



Many people do not seek a solution to their problems as much as they are seeking
a sympathetic heart that feels their pain and in which they can find solace.



Imagine that you are speaking to someone and that person keeps looking at his
watch or answering his cell phone or leafing through the newspaper. Or imagine
that he suddenly brings up a totally unrelated topic. Would it really matter to
you that for all this time he has been looking at you while you speak?



If we are to place ourselves in the world-view of our daughters, this means that
we must be able to abide in our young girl's spirit, her heart, her feelings,
and her sensitivities. It means for her to know that we are with her, not
against her.



The third good listening skill that we need to master is to be able to guide the
conversation in the direction that we want it to go. A girl may not be able to
speak openly about everything that concerns her, or she may not know how to
express herself about some things. She may become confused or say something by
mistake. We must not hold her to her mistake or judge her on account of it.
Instead, we must help her to communicate to us what she is trying to say. We
need to make her feel that the atmosphere is relaxed and normal.



A mother might find it advantageous to talk about her own experiences when she
was young and how she went through a lot of the same things.



The girl might need to speak about something that is troubling her but not be
able to bring herself to say everything. For this reason, a mother might take
the matter too lightly or accuse the girl of not being able to speak, or call
her stupid or simple.



I have heard girls say things like: “No one ever understands what I say.”



She might mean that there is no one in her family who agrees with what she
wants. In this, her family could well be in the right. However, she might also
mean that no one pays any serious attention to what she has to say, and this is
a serious problem.